Last night was not an usual Saturday night for me. I walked to centraal station to catch a bus with my friends, accompanied with a person faraway out there, talking about his new camera, about his day. Then suddenly he told me ‘Do you know that I wanted to delete you from mine, because I think you’d be better without me?’ I said ‘Why?’ And there was coming a piece conversation that rebegan all the story. I walked to my friend’s house in the middle of drizzling night, reading a typing conversation that tells me and opened my eyes really wide.
On the way I told myself with a little prayer ‘God, SOS SOS I would break again. Catch me! I don’t want to be break again’. But shits still happened, like all things in your life, even though you screamed for help, shit happened anyway. So yeah, he’s still typing, saying that he just simply doesn’t and wouldn’t never love me. Even he said to me to back off, we’re over since we’re not starting anything anyway, I’m just hoping way too much. I said ‘Oh.. Ok’. And I run to my friend’s restroom and cried in silent for a while.
One of my shadows came over, asking ‘Why are you crying? It’s not that hurting as you had before, right?’. I stopped crying, I wiped my tears, looked myself in the round mirror with a cute picture in the side, ‘Yeah.. I know I’m not that hurt. I just feel so much rejected... I feel, nobody ever loves me anyway’. I know it was reallyreally a cheesiest sentence that could come up from my mouth. But deep down I know, that does never be an easy thing for me. I went out the toilet and sit in the couch, watched whatever Avatar cartoon, my tears just cannot stay in the place, I knew my friends wondering, I don’t really care. They’re my family now anyway. The reason it is hurting me because, I’m tired being rejected. I’m tired trying for my whole life to be loved.
Here we go my story. I’d never really tell this story writtenly. But yeah, just read if you want to know, leave it if you don’t want to give shit.
I was a verybery unwanted child in the day when I was born. My mom had to give up her dream because of me, married a man who was just simply jerky. I should not be here, I was tried to be aborted as like my older sister. Yes! I should have an older sister. Or it’s better said, if she’s here now, there wouldn’t be me writing this crap thingy for you now. I once asked my mom, ‘Who’s the donkey who repeated the same mistakes in a row?’. She said ‘You don’t have any idea how sometimes humans are more stupid than donkey’. Anyway my sister is back to be angel, and I’m the one who stayed, facing all the shits in my life. I don’t know for some reason, when it comes to my turn, I was too strong to be aborted. I stayed, I growed, I lived anyway...
My parents didn’t have anything when I was born. They hardly afford themselves as a factory labor back there in Australia. One day my mom came home, seeing my dad with another girl and playing casino all the time. She left me in the baby basket in the step door, went away, cried somewhere and tried to run as far as she could from her life. When I heard this story, I wanted to scream ‘Why did you come back, moron? Why did you just leave me? Things gonna be much better now. I don’t have to face all this crap.’ But you know... You can’t really say that to your beloved mom.
So we all went back to Indonesia, closer to my grandparents. But my mom’s pregnancy was really a shock for them. My grandparent had fight every day, blaming each other why shits happened to their youngest daughter. To short the story, my grandparents divorced. Can you see who the root of the problem was? Yes, a little innocent unwanted baby, me.
My parents started their poor life in Jakarta. My mom continued her unwanted-degree in university; luckily she’s too smart to be beated by fate. My dad worked in company, started from the low staff, anyway they made it. There weren’t much things I remember in my childhood. I just heard some stories of my dad cheated with his colleague. Not really surprising. I had quite a happy childhood. I had barbies, I had cakes and candles every birthday, you named it.
Untill the middle of primary school that was when I was eight. My eighth year in my life was a big thing for me. My mom was pregnant my brother, this was because I begged my parents for years to have a little sister or brother. That was the time my dad had a big affair (again) with his secretary or whatever it called, and my dad was really a heavy casino player. They had big fights almost every night. I was shaking in my princess cupboard for the whole night, wishing that I could vanish from the earth, I plugged my ear with all things I could cover it, just to try to block the sound of the slap, threw things, and whatever broke at the moment. Maybe my heart broke as well... I don’t know.
My brother was born, my parents never be the same ever again. I felt really guilty to my brother, I thought, if it’s not because I asked him, if I wasn’t here, my brother should not be here, facing the broken family like I experienced before. Well, he’s born anyway, so cheer up little brother, the world is already cruel in the day you breathe your first air. That’s why you cried all day long when you were born, you can smell the shits of world.
About two years after that. My mom started her own company with her best friend. They became pretty big. And guess what??? Yes! You’re right. My dad cheated with my mom’s bestbesteverbestfriend. The company screwed, my mom started over her new company and stand on her own feet. My parent divorced. That’s like the most relieving thing that ever happened in my life. I’m sick of fightings. I remember, all of that night when I was a little bit older, I slept in my parent’s room because I was afraid of being alone. They were fighting, they didn’t realize that I was there, hugged my pillow, shacked in the corner of the bed. I tried not to look at them, I tried to pretend asleep. I heard or maybe I saw my dad slapped, or maybe the other way around. I heard everything they shouted, about the marriage, about me being born, about my dad’s affairs. Everything I didn’t really remember now.
My preteen life was so fucked up. I cried in silence almost every night. I saw my mom depressed, smoked her packs of cigarettes. I started create some friends in my thought, to share, to help me cry because I didn’t think I can hold on anymore. And that was the time I hate my brother so much, because it’s not fair, I’m the one who had to bear everything alone. He’s too small to hold my hand, he didn’t even know what happened. Everyone started to be nice to my brother; he’s the little victim of the divorce. The poor boy who no longer can feel the warmth of the family. Me? I’m the older unwanted sister who old enough to understand and accept everything with maturity. Hello, people! I was not older than eleven years old.
But don’t get me wrong. I was really a brilliant girl. Here’s my thought when I was enter junior high school. I had to be reallyreally super bright, I had to be nice so people will love me, I had to be super fun and lovable so people like me. And guess what? I did. I had good grades, I was an ‘It’ girl in my school, I was the chairman of the student organization for years. I involved myself in Greenpeace thingy. I was the delegation for IPCC conference, climate conferences. I worked much in organization stuffs, I had collection pages of me in the newspapers, magazines, The Young Green Warrior they said to describe me. I was happy, I thought I made it. I made everyone loved me, because what I did. Because I proofed to myself that I am the Golden Rotten Apple. Who said that all the broken family’s children are fucked up? I showed them I’m not. Even I’m brighter than everyone.
But you know, clockwork never stays long. All the artificial effort I’d been put for many years didn’t really fulfilled myself. In my early high school, I was dronwed in a very bad depression. That was the time when all my friends have boyfriend, and I’m not. Because I was too ugly at that time, because i’m too fat at that time. I started to eat and eat when my parents got divorce, for some unconscious reason I eat to heal my heart. That made me even worse, I feel un-valuable, ugly, no one wants me, i realized that they love me because of my works, my achievement, I started hate God. I was a believer when I was child, but I don’t even remember when I stopped to be one, maybe when I found that there was no help coming from above even when I prayed until my tears became red. I still faced everything alone, and even worse I thought all the achievements that made everyone loves me, it all because of me. Me alone.
For all reasons, I drowned in what you called eating disorder problem. I was a heavy bulimic, I started to be anorexic. I passed out many times in my own room, didn’t even have strength to hold a glass of water. I started too addicted to diet pills, heavy exercises. I drowned once to be a cutter. I cut myself when I ate something, I loved seeing blood runs from my arms, I cut myself to remind me that I’m still human, that there’s a hurt feeling outside heart. People see me great. I became a little bit thinner, people like what I look. Boys coming up. I picked one just like a tip on finger.
I met a boy, my first boyfriend. He kinda saved me from the heavy bulimic-anorexic and cuttering stuffs. I’m not really done with that kind of stuffs, never. But he showed that he loved me. I did many things, tried many new things, one of the thing I found is I like being wanted. I like being chased. I didn’t believe the existence of what you called L.O.V.E. For me it was all crap. He wants me because I’m pretty, I’m smart. One day I found out that he was still in love with his ex who recently went to Canada for school. So I was just he’s rebound. That’s it. I was really deeply hurt. For a second in my life I thought I give up my rock heart, turn to be softer. But he’s just one other jerk in my life. I ditched him by having affair with another boy in front of his nose. Off course he broke me up. But I was hurt anyway; I gave everything to him, as my first. Love, hope, heart... He’s simply let me go without second thinking.
After him, I dated many boys. I flirted with anyone, I like played them so much and then I waived them away. My family became a little bit settled. I am close to my mom, but I never really attached to my dad, he’s still the most hates thing on earth for me. Especially when he treats my brother exaggeratedly, because he feels guilty to him for not being there in my brother’s growth. I hate my brother as well, deep down I feel so much guilty to him, but that feels turn to hates. My dad still has the affair with my mom former best friend, my mom had relationships with some men, and then hurt badly again and again. My mom told me ‘There’s no such thing called love. Marriage isn’t about love, it’s about responsibility, love fades after two years. But responsibility builds up marriage and some people just not responsible enough to keep that up’.
This time when I met this guy. He’s a boyfriend of my goodfriend. He’s playboy, he flirts to every girl. He’s totally proofed jerk. But somehow I’m always attracted to jerky boy. I know I would be hurt, again, but somehow being hurt is just addicted. He ditched my goodfriend, and became my boyfriend. I wasnt really in love with him actually, I like somebody else who’s actually he’s bestfriend. But the boy who I like became such a jerk to me, but I know he liked me anyway, so I dated he’s bestfriend (who’s accidentally my goodfriend’s boyfriend) to shock him. So it’s like a shoot for two birds, it hurts my crush-boy and it hurts my goodfriend. So, I dated him. He’s a damn good writer, he poemed me every single day, he made me fly high, named it, we’re in heaven. Let’s call him Mr. Blue.
Some boys came to me during that time, one of them is a person who’s actually the point today. I knew I was being bitch to them, especially to him. Let’s call him Mr. Normal, we were close and I knew I was playing with his heart at that time. But all I could think is to revenge to as many as possible men that I could find. One day, I told Mr. Normal that I have boyfriend, I didn’t really know what he felt, somehow I knew I hurt him, but somehow I think ‘You don’t even have guts to tell what you feel to me, why should I care things I don’t know then?’. He walked away from me, I started to love Mr. Blue.
One day I found out that Mr. Blue cheated on me. The worst news you’ve ever received from your boyfriend is ‘I knocked up someone, I must marry her’. I was really really really falls apart. That was the hurtest hurtest time in my life. I just started to love someone, and he broke me, he destroyed my heart, or whatever cheesy word you can use to describe it. I was deeply hurt, I hate men way worst more than ever. All men being jerkies in my life. Either they only want my body or they just simply never love me. That time I was on tears on the floor of my room, I didn’t even remember to pray. I stopped pray for years, I mean, I did pray but it was only for formalities. To recover from deeply hurt, I dated several men in the same time, I made them deeply in love with me and ditched them. I’ve never fully heal though, that scars of being betrayed badly never really vanish in my heart.
But anyway, I got a chance to reborn. I moved to a new city, new country, new continent. I could change my name if I want. Everyone thought I would be very naughty, doing everything I can do. I was naughty back there in Jakarta, but anyway I’m kinda living two lives in the same time. The prettiest sweet girl for my mom, and the naughty-adventorous bitch with my friends. But when I came here, I felt like I’m nobody in this huge earth. That time when Mr. Normal back to me, he was nice, he helped me settled in here.
Mr. Normal is a very straight boy. He’s from a good family, he’s kind, he has a white heart, he read daily scripture every morning, he goes to church. One day I woke up in my new bed, no friends, no mom to fix things I break, no one. I knew I must hang on to someone, that time when one of my senior asked me to join the service at church, I feel safe, I feel home at church. It’s not an easy things especially when you committed sins for the last decade, but one day I really prayed and found that I’m accepted in my new church community. That’s all I need, I heard God said ‘Come to me, I’ll heal you. Slow but sure’. I started to be a believer again when I came here. My new life became way different from the predicted before. I still go to party once in a while, sometimes I got drunk or pothead, but at least I tried to get my ass closer to Him. At least I’m around, at least I bound myself to my youth family, I knew they will not let me go if next couple of months I run away from church. Maybe you said, ‘at least’ is not enough. But at least my heart says this is right. And for being years in the dark days, I’ve never realized before that being close to God is nice.
So, it comes to my love life swell. I started love Mr. Normal in faith. I’ve never really love somebody like this before. I love because I thought God said so, or maybe he’s the one who was sent by God to keep me on a right track. I must admit that I ready bible every morning and decide to go to church were motivated by him. He never tells me what to do, but he’s simply do it, he gave me the best examples from faraway.
I thought we’re going somewhere, he never really tells me that he loves me. But he seems to be. He told me to stop trying work on this relationship, but I was too deaf. I thought that was a test from God to stay believe, to stay in faith. But oops, sorry little newbie Ivy, you’re miss-interpreted.
Well, after being deeply in love with Mr. Normal, I prayed to God to give sign. I even prayed that I will try to be faithful if he’s the one you meant for me. I prayed all the cheesy stuffs; well I believed there’s no kind of cheesy stuffs in front of God. But just last night, I got slap on my face that he just doesn’t love me. And never. And would ever. I was so break last night. I thought he was different, I can’t believe I let myself believe that he WAS from God. Oh my... I thought God fixed my men’s problem. No, He hasn’t work on that thing yet. All men are still jerk in my life. After being so nice for next couple of months, made me fell deeply in love with him, he ditches me. Maybe I’m the one who caught it wrong. Whatever, I broke anyway.
The youth service starts, I deeply cried. But hey! Cried in His presence is the nicest cry ever. I only could pray one thing to Him ‘God, let me cry in your feet. Let me..’ I didn’t really pray Him to heal my heart, or whatever I could ask for. I just wanted to enjoy His holy in my every single tear. Things over, I felt kinda relieve, at least at that moment.
I went home, and cry once more, fell asleep, woke up several time, seeing his message on phone telling me pretty. I said, what the hell are you doing? I don’t need somebody to tell me pretty and amazing. I just need somebody to proof me that there’s a man out there can be sincerely nice and love me the way I am. I need somebody proof to me that un-jerk man is existed.
I’m tired trying to be loved my whole life. I’m done struggling to be a nice, or even to revenge for my scars. I’m tired hoping, loving, hurting, and breaking again and again. You don’t have any idea, how I felt so much being rejected in my whole freaking life. You don’t have any idea how much it hurts when you have to struggle to make people like you. People like you anyway, but I’ve never feel so much valuable because of it. You don’t have any idea hard it is to satisfy people’s impression about you. I’m not an amazing girl as you though I was. I’m just a little crap-girl who’s trying too hard to be amazing. Now, will you all walk away from me when you know I’m not that amazing?
Walk away, I don’t care.
I faced this things my whole life. And I live anyway. I found my God, he accepted me back anyway. That’s what all matters.
